When I drive away

When I drive away from civilization or society for a little bit. Always the same thoughts rush into my mind. When I am at a desolate wilderness or a road that leads to nowhere kind of place. This happened to me so often that now I can practically trace the flow of thoughts that stir in my mind to their eventual destination which always ends up in the question of "what am I doing with my life?"
It first begins when I am at the threshold of civilization and lack of it. When you are driving to a dark place in the mountains or something like it. First thing that happens is the gradual scarcity of artificial lighting and buildings and all together man made things. When you are at this threshold, you feel something shifts in you. It is inevitable. But I believe this shift is fragile. One needs to have the wisdom to let to. To let to go ordinary worries which you are physically leaving behind. But they may still accompany you within your mind. Once a person makes the commitment to just experience the desolation and leave everything behind momentarily, the experience begins. 
Silliness of everyday concerns surfaces stronger  more than the worry and sorry for them. A new perspective settles in which beats on your heart hard and heavy almost wanting to drag you from your neck to a place which you have forgotten. Which you have unacquainted yourself from. 
When I follow these pushes and pulls rather than my worries, the  I in me find peace and a silent euphoria which fills in the gaps now left open by letting go. 
I realize how much I am influenced by what is around me. Not just obvious things like what to wear, what to eat, how to make money, how to find a respectable place within my peers and my friends.  even the subtle and unnoticed ways. The buildings that surround me and the lights. They play their undetectable part in my desires and drives. Always going unnoticed. 
And the final question arises. If I were to leave to live in desolation and isolation I would need only water, food and shelter. Shelter to protect myself from harm of wild animals and the elements. Then I realize the entire civilization is a grossly exaggerated  expression of these simple needs. Then I realize I would long for others and a desire for their company would grow beyond measure. But how many people I need to not feel alone?. I know I can feel alone within a large crowd and company of my friends and family. And often my love, one and only person, is enough to alleviate the pain of aloneness. 
So life seem a so simple from within this experience. And I feel fulfilled to some extend having realized that I have dedicated my life to infinite useless worries. 
Then I drive back, and the lights begin appearing with all their glitter. And the buildings with all their grandeur. And other people with their fashion and Jewelry and makeup and expensive cars. And I am now again being taken to a entirely different world. And the worries begin to speak louder and louder. And the anxiety peaks its head longer and longer. 
Then I release we are creatures forever prisoner to a dilemma of simple happiness of just living and the insurmountable concerns of living up to something we had concocted for ourselves by ourselves. 
 

"Unlimited abundance of despair in beauty"

"Unlimited abundance of despair in beauty"

"Remnants of a wish"

"Remnants of a wish"